my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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