Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
