We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
