He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
