God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
