I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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