so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
