my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
