Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
