My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
