You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
