Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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