The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
