Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
