hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
