So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
