can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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