so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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