I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
