My friends, they love my intelligence
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
