He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
