I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
