Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
