i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
