my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
