I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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