My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
