I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
