Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
