There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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