Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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