This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
do nipples grow back?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
