Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
