I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
