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So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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