You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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