found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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