i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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