i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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