My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
New York to be Host to Americaâ€™s Biggest Singles Event
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Kylie Jenner Wasnâ€™t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.