I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...