I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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