Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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