The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
30+ People Share Their Worst ‘Intimate Experience’ And They’re Traumatizing
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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