I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on