I wish I could teleport
I haven't been this sober since birth.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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