shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
