I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
