I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
