Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
