I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
