Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
