How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
