I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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