Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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