I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
