party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
