Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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