The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
