yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
