I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
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